Where is my power? Where has it gone? Underground, around the corner, into the arms of another? Being intimately linked to someone instantly turns them, perhaps unfairly, into a playing field for my deepest insecurities. I want the other to affirm my love worthiness, because on a deep level of self I do not understand what has made me seemingly un-loveable in the past. I try to mold myself in overt / conscious and subtle / unconscious ways into someone that anyone would be happy to love and stand by. But without feeling this from myself, knowing that I absolutely deserve honest love and loving companionship, I will not receive it.
No one will respect me, if I do not respect me.
No one will affirm me, if I do not affirm me.
No one can create healthy boundaries for me, if I can not create healthy boundaries for myself.
No one can hold me up forever if I am not willing to stand up on my own.
No one is coming to rescue me, and in fact, I do not need rescuing after all.
What is the Power of Withholding? Why do we turn away from each other and ourselves? We do not trust in the other to hold us and just listen. We don’t want to be fixed, affirmation of being seen as broken. We want to feel trusted. Whenever we don’t feel this trust from others, we start to lack the ability to uphold this self-image of trustworthiness for ourselves. And yet, it is our very ability to hold steady our belief in ourselves as good and trustworthy people that allows others to see this in the first place.
I am tired of being the projection screen for your hopes and fears. I want to know my own skin and feel the need of no other. We should feel More together, not Less. Yes, this is true. We are each one of us, the whole of creation and yet just one little spark of the whole simultaneously.
I don’t want to hold myself back any longer. I want my heart to rip through my chest for all to see. All the blood, glory, and fury. Stars spilling out from the center of the cosmos, folding into itself, creating new life. New possibilities. I want to swing these doors open fearlessly.
Withholding, holding back from life, no longer.